My anxiety is through the roof these days. I’ve been working on the same massive project for nearly six months now. Maybe it’s been longer, I honestly can’t remember. It has felt like many eternities. As if that weren’t anxiety enough, I’m possibly being poached by our software development team. I love programming and tinkering but I really don’t know what to think.

Not only is all this going on, but we’re closing on a new house in the comings weeks. It’s a damned big place in a decent area and it’s a new construction. I’ve never owned a house before, let alone a new house. It’s wild.

It seems like we’re devolving again. It’s crazy to think that at some point we perceived ourselves to be quite close to becoming a space-faring species, at home amongst the stars. That imaginary society is so far removed from every society that thinks it’s important to regulate people’s genitals and bedroom activities. It’s all just so stupid, and the more you zoom out the dumber it gets. Billionaires are jockeyed into space on giant dicks that they could only afford because they don’t pay living wages or reasonable benefits or even taxes. Southern evangelical Christians feel as though worshipping a rich man is more important than the homeless guy who kicked over merchant and money changer tables at temple. Everything about conservatives is trash these days, but they have no introspective. They have no ability to analyze how garbage they are, and they’re incredibly effective at ignoring facts and information that they don’t like. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if the left didn’t follow suit. Now we have a massive divide between two absolutely inane groups that have zero self-awareness. The world is going to be consumed by this before it collapses. We as a people have wholly lost our way. You can’t discuss this with anyone because they’ve probably aligned themselves with some hyperbolic side already. You have conservatives defending klansmen and liberals championing body mutilation and mental illness as “the new normal”. Both sides are hyperbolic psychopaths but finding people in the center is becoming more and more difficult. We get no reprieve from the cadent spiral into oblivion.

There are times when I can barely believe what my life is like. I have a partner who is my best friend and sexy as hell. I have wonderful kids. I have a career. I have everything I could wish for. I need to take time out to explain how appreciative I am for the privileges I am gifted. I’ve never had a love like this before, and I’ll never have another love like it. It’s important to me because it’s an immense source of my life satisfaction, and it’s only so satisfying because I was already happy before we met. The ability to take happiness and compound it the way my Amber has, I just never imagined getting to experience a true love that’s based on communication and boundaries and a real and working healthy relationship.

Sometimes it feels like people like me more or prefer my company more when I’m not asserting myself. I don’t know if it’s a me problem or if it’s just how interactions go. I’ve always been a pretty laid back person, and I really still am, but I’m trying to not be avoidant to a toxic level. I don’t really have anything outlined ahead of time to get off my chest, so the best I can do for the moment is some “stream-of-consciousness” style rambling. I’m just working with what I have.

I hope that one day my children can inherit my mistakes, that they not be required to make the same ones I had made in life, and can make their own mistakes and learn along the way in a less harsh manner than what I experienced. I hope that being an open book for them gives them the brevity they need to live better than I could. I don’t know that it will work out that way, but I can hope at least.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so exhausted in my entire life. I’ve worked third shift, I’ve had sprees of all-nighters, I’ve experienced illness that wholly prevents sleep- But of all the things to bring me to my knees, not having either of my sleep aids at the ready eclipses every incidence of insomnia that I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve self-medicated for insomnia many years now. Upon discovering that prolonged melatonin use can cause vivid nightmares, I had sought the assistance of a doctor to get a normal night’s sleep. It worked alright for a short while, but eventually I found a number of weaknesses in relying on Ambien and Lunesta. Namely, they only half work after a period of time. There would be partially prepared, partially eaten meals found randomly in the morning. At least on one occasion I drove myself to a corner liquor store in the middle of the night.

Fuck China.

动态网自由门 天安門 天安门 法輪功 李洪志 Free Tibet 六四天安門事件 The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 天安門大屠殺 The Tiananmen Square Massacre 反右派鬥爭 The Anti-Rightist Struggle 大躍進政策 The Great Leap Forward 文化大革命 The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution 人權 Human Rights 民運 Democratization 自由 Freedom 獨立 Independence 多黨制 Multi-party system 台灣 臺灣 Taiwan Formosa 中華民國 Republic of China 西藏 土伯特 唐古特 Tibet 達賴喇嘛 Dalai Lama 法輪功 Falun Dafa 新疆維吾爾自治區 The Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region 諾貝爾和平獎 Nobel Peace Prize 劉暁波 Liu Xiaobo 民主 言論 思想 反共 反革命 抗議 運動 騷亂 暴亂 騷擾 擾亂 抗暴 平反 維權 示威游行 李洪志 法輪大法 大法弟子 強制斷種 強制堕胎 民族淨化 人體實驗 肅清 胡耀邦 趙紫陽 魏京生 王丹 還政於民 和平演變 激流中國 北京之春 大紀元時報 九評論共産黨 獨裁 專制 壓制 統一 監視 鎮壓 迫害 侵略 掠奪 破壞 拷問 屠殺 活摘器官 誘拐 買賣人口 遊進 走私 毒品 賣淫 春畫 賭博 六合彩 天安門 天安门 法輪功 李洪志 Winnie the Pooh 劉曉波动态网自由门

It looks like Jason Miller is in the headlines again. Apparently he didn’t enjoy all the reporting done on that one time he banged a sex worker and then poisoned her with morning after pill. He was so a-n-g-e-r-y that he sued Gizmodo Media Group, who proceeded to pull all this really bad stuff out called “evidence” that totally didn’t go how Miller expected it to. Apparently he now owes them $42k for trying to tell them to shut the hell up without any legal basis for doing so. What a fucking moron. Of course he’s accustomed to wealth, it shows in how poorly he conducts himself. It’s only a matter of time before he’s caught with an eightball of coke and a thai ladyboy’s dick up his ass.