The borderline ex is being an asshole again. She’s been manipulating our son and trying to get him to “keep secrets” because she knows she’s a half-ass mother. She’s also getting called out on it and now being an asshole publicly about my wife. This from someone whose gut is so large she can’t keep her navel clean enough to stop it from weeping with infection. This from someone who had her tongue split. This from someone who has fucking face tattoos, for Christ sakes. Jesus Christ. Why are borderlines like this?

I don’t like when projects land in my lap that go through a full gamut of emotions in the span of one or two days. From elation to terror to absolute despair, then full circle once more for good measure, in forty-eight hours- This is less than optimal. It’s also incredibly telling that these people who are trying to tell me how difficult or easy my job of contributing will be have no real clue about what I’m bringing to the table. I can’t tell if they’re over or underestimating me at this point, but I’ve raised some serious doubts, only to have other members from other teams and other companies that are a party to the nonsense raise similar concerns. Now they’re suddenly quite reflexive in anticipating all of these things I’ve already broached on the outset.

No one gets unlimited license to hurt your feelings and then tell you that you’re wrong for having them. Especially not when it’s blatantly obvious and is directly observed by many close people. I reserve the right to remove myself from those situations. No one should ever feel as though they have to continually subject themselves to that gaslighting bullshit. No one should ever have to constantly feel like they’re walking on eggshells, just waiting for the other shoe to drop yet again because you’re as predictable as a fucking clock. That’s not okay. So I’m not wasting my time any longer. I’m removing myself from the equation, because I cannot and should not be expected to continue to take it. I deserve better, but I sure as shit don’t get better, because I’m stuck with the least you’re willing to do- which is essentially nothing. I’ve tried to change myself and my life for the better, making better decisions and owning my mistakes in life. The first step to not repeating mistakes forever is to acknowledge that you make them. I guess that’s why we end up here every goddamn time.

My mother is a toxic person. She has always been a toxic person, and I have a suspicion I know where it started. Her father, my grandfather, was an alcoholic. He demanded obeisance from all his children, he was to be revered and worshipped without question, and my mom didn’t appreciate that. She told me that he was stubborn and demanded “people kiss his ass” and that was why they no longer spoke to one another. It’s ironic, really, that she ever told me that. The apple truly didn’t fall far from the tree. Honestly I was probably at risk for repeating those behaviors if I hadn’t been both incredibly aware of them and unwilling to put my children through that. My relationship with my children will always be one of reciprocity. If I hurt their feelings, I will listen, I will try to understand, and I will try to not continue to hurt their feelings. My mother demands that I be available to her, that I show up as often as I can, and in return I get nothing. She doesn’t invite me to go on vacations, that’s reserved for my ex wife. She won’t invite me to celebrations she has, she won’t invite me to anything. She just demands I be available for it. I’m done. I want nothing to do with my mother anymore. I won’t be available, I am not her pet. She won’t stroke her ego with my broken heart any longer.

I’m sorry, this is going to be an emotional vent post. I have a lot going on right now and I need to let at least some of it out. First and foremost, my mother has utterly abandoned me as a person. When I asked her why, she gave me some stupid bullshit excuse about how our family “does right by exes; for the kids!” Except it’s a fucking lie, because my mom is toxic and awful. I can no longer have anything to do with her as a person on any level. Trying to reconnect with her for what feels like the millionth time now has absolutely gone nowhere. She’s as hateful and stubborn as ever.