It’s wild to me how people can support Donald Trump in any way. I’ve witnessed firsthand the “Rock Star Effect” where people are just overcome by meeting famous or popular individuals. I suspect that’s largely what we’re looking at with these MAGA loons. They’re absolutely beside themselves that a billionaire would reach down from on high to glorify their values and their traditions amidst an economy that is suddenly disproportionately favoring “dual-income, no kids” households.

Google’s AI is broken because people prioritized bypassing Google’s trash-ass algorithm by specifically searching for reddit results. Well, that’s the current working theory, at least. The result is honestly hilarious. These rich assholes want us to think that anything they do is for us, when really everything they do is to line their pockets. It has fuck all to do with “us”, except that we’re the ones expected to line up and throw our money into the machine. Either our money or our time and labor. It’s asinine, really. Fuck these people. I don’t give a shit about what they’ve invented, their god awful advertising bullshit, or their personal data tracking garbage. Fuck them completely. Fuck Silicon Valley. Fuck Google, Microsoft. Fuck Apple too, really. Apple outwardly says they respect privacy, but everyone knows they’re just as bad as every other company.

Flying these days is fucking awful. It was never great, but after all the retarded 9/11 bullshit and now the current state of late stage capitalism, we’re really expected to just cope with five, six, seven hour flight delays that majorly derail our lives.

I’m honestly sick of this shit. We all know it’s a blatant cash grab. We all know it’s bullshit. It’s a way to scrape more profit from the corpse of an already fully excavated corpse. I’m just pissed. Absolutely beyond pissed. What the fucking fuck. Seriously.

Man, lots of wild stuff has happened since we’ve last had this one-sided conversation. Sean Combs is under fire for video of him beating the shit out of his girlfriend going viral. I mean, of course it went viral, it’s horrendous. Whether he learned his lesson or not barely matters. The public is absolutely horrified by the footage, as well they should be. Trump is getting reamed for all the criminal bullshit he’s been up to pre-presidency as well as post. Fuck that bloated whore, selling himself for popularity and status. What a piece of shit.

Not gonna lie, I’m really tired. The kind of tired you can’t escape with sleep. The sort of tired you feel in your bones. Honestly, there’s a lot to unpack regarding my mother. We apparently have irreconcilable differences. I’ve made attempts to reconcile, but I’ve had zero reciprocation on her end. Point in fact, I could reconcile with her today if I simply apologized and ignored the ways she would hurt my feelings. It weighs heavy on me lately. Extending hope, snuffing it out, reviving it from death, executing it, my life has been a rollercoaster because my father is dead and my mother is a narcissist. What other word is there to apply to someone who cares only about themselves? That is the canonical definition, is it not? Am I wrong for applying it? Am I the narcissist in this? But then, once I ask myself that last question, I remember that I’ve apologized for everything. I apologized to her for not expressing gratitude for the help she extended me during my divorce. Despite the fact that she told me I was no longer welcome in her presence and subsequently supported my ex wife, I did apologize to my mother for not being grateful. It just wears on me. I want to ignore her, but how do I ignore her when she’s essentially the primary caretaker of my niece? It’s hard, it’s garbage, and I am not doing well. I don’t know what to do. The situation really doesn’t have an escape hatch. There really isn’t anything to do. This time around, though, every day is a struggle moreso than in the past. I really don’t know how I struck “new normals” so many times prior. I think the thing that has me really down and out is the possibility that it’s not really over. That some dire event will shove her in my direction once again and I will be newly distressed in unique and creative ways. The only thing I can think to pre-empt this is to explicitly state that in no uncertain terms I will not even attend her funeral when she passes. I can’t really think of anything else that would force her in my direction. I’m just so done.

It always feels as though there’s never enough time. There are always things to do, things to fix, places to be, people to see. Life is about being continuously engaged. I get it, and I participate, but I also get a ton of down time in between. It’s never really consistent in either direction, just a smattering of chaos that comes and goes. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t have a lot to write. I feel obliged to check in with this thing on occasion, though. But it sucks to push out junk that I really don’t feel any way about.

My niece’s birthday party is this weekend. She’s going to be a year old. She’s absolutely precious and I’m excited to celebrate her first birthday. At least, I’m trying to put that at the forefront of my mind. I’m trying to not allow the negativity to prevail. It’s hard when I know I’m not wanted there. My mother doesn’t want me to be there. My sister doesn’t want me to be there. I grew upset when they put their own preferences for my ex above the needs of my child and honestly that hurt my feelings more than my mom choosing my ex over me.

I know that I’ve been a cause of my relationship with my mom blowing apart, but the real sticking point and reason we’ve never been able to maintain an actual relationship is that everything is one directional with my mom. She accepts no blame, she apparently believes she’s perfect. She has never hurt anyone’s feelings or made any mistakes. People have only ever hurt her feelings and for that they have to pay. She also goes to great lengths to draw others into it. She likes to maintain control on situations. She wants to be the messenger, the middle man, anywhere she can work it out. She wants to be between her subject to control and any/all resources they may have, so that she can withdraw any and all support completely. It’s all control and games with her, and I simply don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m not playing her games and I don’t care about her control, she can control her own chess pieces and leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care anymore, I’ve mentally and emotionally checked out. I’m not interested in reuniting with her or even pretending to continue a sham relationship. I don’t want any of it. I want out completely, and that’s what I fully intend to be; Out completely. And I’m staying out.