It looks like I’ve made some people a little cranky. Someone thought it would be humorous to throw some UDP traffic my way, which about 10gb managed to get through and interrupt a bit of traffic for my provider.
Don’t worry, kids, I won’t be taking shortcuts any longer. No easy-to-spot domain pointers to the man behind the curtain. You’re not going to see anything but content delivery network from here on out. No PHP, no server-side execution other than simple page delivery.