My mental health is in a place of relative stability these days. It has definitely been hard fought. Major depression and anxiety have been major themes in my life since I started forming memories. I think I have the major depression handled pretty well these days. I’ve managed to curb it without relying on drugs that cause sexual dysfunction, so I consider that a major win. The anxiety I’ve figured out how to live with. The interesting thing about the anxiety, though, is that I can function pretty well despite it. Though simultaneously I see the anxiety reflected in my blood pressure. It never goes down. The medications I take struggle to tamper it down. I still have work to do there, but I think losing weight will also help somewhat. Though I know weight is not the primary driver of my blood pressure. Simply put, though, I cannot deal with anxiolytics anymore. They’re not as helpful as they could be and the detriments they cause outweigh the positives. So I deal with my anxiety in every way possible without exposing myself to the liability of benzos.

I think I might give buspirone a shot, but every time I’ve taken it I’ve experienced uncomfortable dizziness.

I still have strong opinions about things, but one thing I’ve worked on is comprehending the grey. It’s a fact that most things in life do not fall cleanly in “good” or “bad”. Few things really fit neatly into “black” or “white” buckets. Most people are not “all bad” or “all good”. Quite the contrary, most humans are complex creatures with many attributes. I do still realize there are terrible people and wonderful people in the world, but even that has been shaded by time and wisdom. Bad people can do good things, and good people can do really terrible things. But without a doubt, there are some people who are just so awful that whatever good may come from them does not justify their existence. People who tell mostly lies and prop those lies up with an occasional minor truth. People who make false accusations of violence and abuse to pretend to be victims, when really these manipulators are always abusers themselves. People who still very clearly see the world as “black and white” and obviously have no desire to engage in therapy in good faith. The borderline bullshit out there is ridiculous. If you’ve ever wondered about it, I highly recommend checking out “r/BPDlovedones” on reddit. I’ve found so much encouragement and support from regular people who have become entangled in the lives of these problematic people. Especially in having to coparent with one. Diagnosed inpatient and through a partial hospitalization program - clearly an 11/10 cluster disorder individual - I’ve learned that their words hold zero value whatsoever and that if you really want to know what’s going on look at their behavior, which is always shady and manipulative.

But that support group is an incredible place to read and partake in discussions, and you’ll quickly see whether or not the person you have to deal with is actually borderline. Their behaviors are so cookie-cutter that it’s plain as day when you start collecting evidence. They don’t even realize how predictable they are. They don’t realize that they’ll hop from relationship to relationship and be 90% of the problems they blame everyone else for. This victim mentality is apparent in every social aspect of their lives. It would be sad if they weren’t so terrible to deal with.

At the end of the day, I know I am far healthier now than I’ve ever been before. I feel serene contentment with life even despite the adversities I have to put up with. I feel, for the first time, true happiness. Obviously the stretch goal is when my son turns 18, then I’ll have a completely uncomplicated life that I can enjoy even more, not having to put up with lies and bullshit nonstop. But even now, even with that garbage clinging in the air, it’s just background noise compared to everything I have to be grateful for.

I feel better writing about stupid nonsense that I have to deal with, but at the end of the day, it’s not worth more than just venting about. Life is good. I have a lot going for me. I can’t believe I have a vacation coming up already and it’s just the first of two for the start of the year.