It’s always around this time I’m reminded of my mother’s unceremonious dumping of my status as her child. I’m reminded of her gatekeeping my family because she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable around me at family functions. I’m reminded of all of the things my son will miss because my mother is a petty and hateful person. It’s not the most comfortable time of year for me, but I’m in a far healthier mindset now than I ever have been.

It’s sad, too, that the entire argument between us is that she treated me like an inlaw. That was the entire reason she decided that she’s better off having no contact with me, the whole reason she changed her phone number and didn’t give it to me. She simply never cared, and it’s sad. I can’t imagine not caring about the people who I helped bring into the world. I guess that’s the difference between us. She’s the reason I ever got with my borderline ex, because she is clearly seriously mentally unwell, and that illness felt familiar to me. How sad.

Rather than mourn something I never had in the first place, I’m celebrating everything I have to be grateful for. I have the best wife in the world who is incredibly supportive and loves me. I have kids that I love doing their own things in life, being their own people. I have great friends. I’m honestly more at peace now than I ever have been before. I’ve cut THC out entirely, I’ve completely quit caffeine with zero withdrawal now, and I’m trying to get healthier overall. There are a lot of parts of my life that are better now than they ever have been.

But I do miss my niece. I never really had the opportunity to be an uncle because my sister can’t stand up to bullies and can’t think independently, which is why she has a boyfriend who cheats on her and treats her like shit. My sister is absolutely my mother’s child- completely defeated before she even had a chance. I stood up to my mother and as a result I have peace in my life. My sister can’t stand up to either bully, my mother or her shitty baby daddy. I feel bad for her more than I am angry at her. On one hand, I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. But on the other, I do hope that one day she stands up to both of them and removes herself from their toxic bullshit. It’s never too late. It took me a long time to cement myself into safety and emotional self-sufficiency. Hopefully my sister finds the balls to not become her dad. He’s the nicest guy in the world, but he’s also my mother’s welcome mat. She absolutely tramples him at every turn, and it makes me feel bad for him. He wants to have a relationship with my son and my mother stands in the way of it. I dunno. Life is a complex thing. I imagine one day when my mom passes away, my stepdad will likely still be alive and will want to cultivate that relationship, but I can’t imagine he’ll ever have the nerve to until she does.

Honestly, my son is better off not having my mother’s toxicity in his life. I hope he understands his worth, too. I’m trying to help him cultivate that. I’m trying to give him direction in life, and some semblance of structure that his mother is incapable of providing.

I have a lot to be thankful for, but I also have a lot of hope for people I care about who might not be there yet.