I think I need that folding controller for my phone. Carrying a steam deck around isn’t super convenient and it’s a pretty large and clunky device. I also need to figure out something less depressing than “At least I have the weekend”. Every week I just count down from five and some weeks I don’t get that requisite “throwaway” weekend to recharge my batteries and start tilting at life again. I really need a vacation where I’m not beholden to any other person than my wife. I really can’t relax around other people. I’m not built that way, people by and large make my life harder no matter what. A large part of the hardship other people impose on me is the social anxiety. I’m sure my blood pressure spikes around people. I have general anxiety at baseline, but my god do people make it worse. And at the same time, I can’t just become a hermit. What I really need is to figure out balance and also feel contented with it. It would be altogether convenient if, at the very least, people entertained me or otherwise provided some sort of “carrot” to bait me into social situations.

I dunno. I need a week away from the grind. I need a week away from people needing things from me. I love my kids, but sometimes I feel like that tree stump from the story. Between them and work, I’m stretched thin. A week of relaxation and not hearing about missing assignments or breaking cars or projects or deadlines. I need self care time, and it has been on the back burner long enough that I’m feeling pretty spent. But I’m going to put on smiles this weekend and power through and be better than I usually am. I owe it to my wife and she misses her kids. Still though, I need a break at some point. Maybe January, maybe I can venture out down Bourbon Street and do my own thing while the conference is going on and just find some peace. I don’t think anybody will contest that much.

Man, I dunno. This feels like the opposite of a midlife crisis. This feels like a life crisis just generally, because I am not a puzzle piece that fits anywhere in the whole puzzle. I’m not interested in people very much, yet we’re supposed to be really social creatures. Dunno.