In the last six years I’ve gradually noticed something that has really taken me by surprise. It’s something I’ve rehashed and reviewed in my mind over and over to validate and analyze. But one thing is clear; It’s not familiar to me nor is it something I’ve had for much of my life. But I can’t deny it. I can’t ignore it or pretend it’s not real or not there. Like an eight hundred pound gorilla in the corner; it’s unmistakable.

For the first time in my life I’m experiencing genuine prolonged happiness and contentment. I feel at peace. I’ve never experienced more than fleeting joy before, and always some shallow transactional feeling like from acquiring things or attending fun events. But this is different. It has meaning. It’s real. I am actually very happy. I have been for a while. It’s bizarre, too, because it feels like I’ve almost put a pause on everything else in life just trying to reconcile with this fact. I’ve had to pull over to the side of the road and take inventory on my life to really absorb this.

It’s wild. I don’t even know how to act, what to say, what to do. And it’s not like I haven’t had a share of hardships. Everyone experiences hardships. It’s simply a fee paid for being alive. But those hardships are never more than I can bear, and sometimes they seem only to serve as a reminder that I am alive and that I can endure and be happy doing so. But it’s just so odd. I am not a person familiar with this feeling and I don’t know what to do with it. I mean, I’m leaning into it, I have to. It beckons me to lean into it and I do at full force. I let myself feel it and know it for what it is, and I can’t deny it. It’s there. It feels wonderful.

It’s bizarre that it comes amidst a period of my life where my mom has all but written me off. Because I won’t cater to her narcissism I’m “not worthy”. But I couldn’t care less, really. I don’t need that toxic melange choking my life. I have also put a huge checkmark next to the biggest bucket list item I’ve ever had: loving deeply and without reservation someone who returns my love. It’s the puzzle piece my existence has been missing and I feel so whole having finally acquired this impossible dream after a couple failed attempts. I feel complete.

I finally feel whole.