There are two things about myself that I hate. Two things I actively try to change or compensate for. I hate my pessemism, and I hate my rigidity. I’ve actually made some amount of progress on my rigidity. I’ve exposed myself to more things, new ideas, I’ve made actual progress against rigidity. It’s slow going, but it’s progress. Honestly, drugs have helped on that front. Weed makes me pretty chill, enough so to “go with the flow”. The pessemism, though- That’s been a far harder nut to crack. It drives me up a fucking wall, though. It really does. There are aspects of it that maybe are beneficial, but overall it goes over about as well as cement shoes in the open ocean. Some days I can’t determine which came first: the disappointment or the pessemism. And yet it’s truly a crutch. It’s something to lean on when you invest in something and don’t expect much in return. It drives me absolutely insane, though. What’s worse is that I don’t know how to improve it when statistically, it isn’t wrong. Stats are literally where pessemism lives. I guess if you deal in macabre numbers it stands to reason you’ll see macabre results. I don’t know. It drives me absolutely apeshit, though. I don’t know how to change it. Even when I want to change it, and I ask someone how to change it, I feel like the people telling me what to do are just feeding me bullshit. It’s crushing to feel this way most of the time. The weight of the burden is immense. I don’t know how to shed myself of it, and the closest I’ve ever gotten is smoking it away.