I really don’t know if this week and a half are gonna be enough time off to reclaim my sanity. It’s been a rough few, honestly. I’m not wildly excited about whatever the hell the future holds, and everything I’m doing right now is boring and feels like an immense burden. I haven’t touched my 3D printer at all, I don’t play any videogames anymore, and I really haven’t done shit with my computer. I’ve basically just watched TV. That’s it. That’s what I’m doing with my life now. I’m watching TV. Saying that’s depressing is missing the soul-sucking conditions that pull a person into such a miserable vacuum. The very first requirement is that you need a job to demoralize and demean. That’s pretty much every job in this economic climate. The second requirement is that your means of income has to be close enough to your hobbies that it gives you a sincere distaste for them.

This isn’t a recipe for depression. It’s a recipe for deep ponderances on the meaning of human suffering. What I’ve derived from living at this time in this place is that our only purpose on this planet is to serve the fuck trophies of the ultra wealthy, so that they may never know what it means to skip a meal or worry about how they’re going to pay the water bill. Your sacrifice is not optional, and if you didn’t win the birth lottery you have two choices: You can either suffer through struggling to survive without playing the game, or you can play the game and still suffer (but substantially less). Awesome. I honestly shouldn’t complain as much as I do, I have it easier than most. Me having it easier than most doesn’t negate the fact that I’m keenly aware of the system. I’m fully aware of all the holes in it. I don’t feel like I deserve to have an easier time of it and I am tortured by that fact. There’s no winning in capitalism unless your concience has been fully bred out of you, which does seem to be happening at a rampant pace. We had 74 million people vote without a conscience last November. Capitalism is ruining humanity, and yet it’s touted as the best possible system to move in.

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do things I have to do. I’m getting less effective at forcing myself to. I need to be somewhere warm where I can forget about cares and worries for a while. I need to reboot my brain. I need to have fun. I can’t just make fun out of thin air anymore, not in this state. I’m in too deep. Everything social feels like an incredible burden that I’m not prepared to handle.

Fuck.