Have you ever read about the cosmogony of the gnostics? It’s wild. It’s some of the wildest shit I’ve ever read, and humorously enough it’s about equally possible compared to the ordinary Judeo-Christian bullshit people readily lap up like so many thirsty bitches. They believe that the universe was created by a subordinate God, the Demiurge. He’s not the godhead, necessarily, but an agent of it. They also believe in reincarnation. I suppose I should say “believed”, since they were very effectively stamped out with the formation of the orthodoxy. It’s an interesting thing to think about. Can you imagine going to a church, and then having a rival church show up and tell everyone at your church that you’re all “worshipping god incorrectly”? It’s funny, though. We’re seeing the exact same thing today with LGBT-friendly churches earning plenty of ire from other, more mainstream religious entities.

I’ve read a lot about gnosticism. Honestly, I think I read a lot about it because I can read about it every day for the rest of my life and still not have the remotest grasp of what these people were like. The scriptures they left behind are so wild they make Masonic ritual texts look mundane.

I need a nap so badly. I guess I don’t necessarily need a normal nap, but a spiritual one. Like momentary death or some kind of pause on existence that isn’t sleep, that I can wake up as someone else in another universe where nothing is familiar and nothing makes sense. It wouldn’t be that jarring, since nothing here is familiar and nothing here makes sense. I honestly don’t know what I need. I had read a number of articles on how psilocybin can rewire your mind and allow you to break free of negative patterns, but am I really the problem? The world is full of animosity, greed, covetousness, loathing, lust, but above all the world is concentrated selfishness. Schools across my country practice “Active shooter drills” because lobbyists here have so effectively propagandized munitions that it’ll be impossible to fix. We will never fix school shootings, and many more children will die. There is no justice in this world we’ve built. We are not good caretakers, we’re not a good species overall. Humans are awful, by and large, and if you find one that isn’t you never let that person go. Statistically speaking, you’ve found a diamond.

Nothing is therapeutic anymore. I used to write and feel some amount of relief. It would be like all the negativity I observe made manifest, held in my hands, scorching hot. My blog would be a box that I can put it in and display for all to see, but no longer have to carry it around. But now when I put one down I pick up three.

Hope is a four letter word. It’s comprised of uncertainty and usually leads to disappointment. I used to hope that I would figure out a way to exist peacefully in a world that I perceive as hostile and unforgiving. I used to hope that I would see some grand united gesture from humanity that benefits all humans. Like banning nuclear weapons or uniting to solve climate change. Instead I get anxious chimpanzees howling and jumping up and down in front of a large red button that’s connected to certain nuclear annihilation. I get climate change denial. I get lunatics on two sides yowling and hooting and not seeing any middle in which they can all coexist. I see every negative intuition I have about my species confirmed time and time again. They are not redeemable. They do not deserve a savior of any kind. They deserve their toxins, their radiation, their ecological disasters, their opiates- they deserve to choke on it all.

In all of this, I am apathetic.