It’s Christmas, it’s 8:00 AM, and I’m sitting here at my computer. I’m thinking about grabbing my spare Monster. My woman went to work at some ungodly hour this morning, and I really don’t sleep well when her butt isn’t pushed up against me. Any time I wake up, so long as she’s in bed with me, I just pull her close and I can fall right back to sleep. If not, I end up rolling around fifty times before I’m able to finally collapse again.

After today we’ll largely be over the hump. The holidays will have passed, hopefully, with little negative impact on our psyches. I’ve been playing a lot of Elden Ring lately. It’s so damn smooth on the Steamdeck and I really do enjoy it. It’s a great way to pass the time, grinding to meet the challenges From Software come up with. It’s good stuff. Damned hard, but definitely good stuff.

I see Sam Bankman-Fried has called in a ton of favors from Washington. He seems to have pulled off his bail quite easily, and is relaxing at home with his parents for Christmas. Nicely done, Sam. Good job. You’ve scratched the right backs in Washington to pull off one of the biggest heists in our lifetimes. And you’re doing it in style! Man, I hope no unhinged FTX investors do crime on you while you’re living large. I’m just glad I’ve stayed the fuck away from crypto, I’ve known that pretty much everyone touching it is at risk of being scammed, and the people who claim they can help you make millions are the biggest scammers.

I have to say, I really like this Nuphy Air75 keyboard. It’s easily the best one I own, and I wish I had more occasions to use the fucking thing. It’s so goddamn smooth, and the height is nearly perfect. I also love the throw of the keys, being stumpy Gaterons- It’s a relatively short throw. This keyboard is the shit. I guess the keyswitches are also hotswappable, which I guess is a thing. I think in this instance it mostly means “no solder involved” more than it does “replace while still plugged in” as hotswappable normally would imply. Whatever. I’m tired, I’m maybe slightly bored, and I’m just puking my thoughts at this point. Maybe I should try to puke my feelings up as well.

Life goes on. I’m really not sure what more I have to say about how I feel. All my physical and emotional needs are met quite aptly. I’m quite content. That said, I think it’s safe to say that large doses of psilocybin have markedly improved my life, especially compared to traditional antidepressants. I do find that the net gain wears off over time, but overall I have to admit that psilocybin for major depression is fully ideal compared to these medicines:

  • Cymbalta
  • Zyprexa
  • Paxil
  • Remeron
  • Zoloft
  • Effexor
  • Welbutrin
  • Lexapro
  • Celexa

I don’t believe that’s the comprehensive list of drugs I’ve been tried on, but it’s probably the majority. It’s also a list of every therapy that has failed to have sufficient impact on my depression. I’ve been through the wringer, as they say, and I’m not shy about it. I’ve just listed it here, I suppose for posterity, but also perhaps to encourage others to persist no matter how hopeless it feels. You’re not the only one, and I know there are plenty others who have been milled by psychiatry and spat out, left for dead on the other end.

Just remember; They don’t even have conclusive studies that prove causality between serotonin and depression. They simply see the serotonin concentration and happiness graphs tracking side by side and assume that’s causality. The very definition of “Correlation != Causality”, in fact. I surmise that the psilocybin creating new connections in the brain and interrupting old patterns may substantially affect “the old grooves” you’ve worn into yourself with persistent repetitive behaviors and cycles. It can help you break repetitive thoughts that might’ve been influenced by depression itself. It’s almost as though you’re “borrowing” that outside perspective, adopting it temporarily, that friend of yours who says “But you have everything you could want, why are you sad?” It’s such a strange thing. It’s a strange thing to suffer depression in the first place, especially when it’s entirely independent of your actual life situation. It certainly does lend credibility to the notion that there may be contributing genetic or chemical imbalance factors with regards to persistent major depression. Otherwise that old trope; “Why don’t you just try not being sad?” would be a great deal more impactful than it currently is. In reality, psilocybin therapy allows you to ask yourself that and respond anew with “I don’t know, but I think it’s worth a try.”

Perhaps it’s premature, especially with no existing protocols for administration or even professional redress, to call it therapy. But in all honesty it has helped me a great deal more than any antidepressant I’ve ever been prescribed. Plus, it’s decriminalized where I live. I don’t have to break laws to obtain it, even if I can’t find a medical professional to encourage it. I’ll be honest, medicine is still absolutely riddled with eminence. It’s really unfortunate that eminence has retained it’s stranglehold on medicine and we can’t get physicians to behave scientifically instead of touting “I went to medical school for ten years blah blah”. Sorry, homeslice, a degree is not effective in perpetuity, as our understanding of science is constantly evolving. Your eminence has no place here. We’re by the numbers, not by the book. So you can shove your un-scientifically obtained “average body temperature” straight up your ass. If you aren’t citing studies when designing care plans, you’re fucking dead wrong. Period. I hope medicine catches up one day. We’ll be healthier for it.

Here’s some reading you can do so you catch up on why you’re wrong, doc.