I keep writing and re-writing lines in this post. I don’t actually know what I want to say. I’m just not happy right now. It’s not that what I do for work has fundamentally changed, or really changed at all, but that for the last few months I’ve been tasked with projects that are out of state. It’s unusual to spend months at a time out of state in my role. At least, it’s been unusual with my company, anyways. I know there are application engineers with other companies that are never home, and that’s never really been my experience with my particular job or the things I’m typically assigned. I had one project right at the beginning of my employment with my company that had me out of town every week for nearly six months. It happened once in the six years that I had worked this job. But it seems like now we’re going to try and outdo that previous record.

It’s just that now I’m not running from my home. I actually really enjoy being in my home, in my local area, near everyone I care about. I want to be home. I don’t want to travel. I’m over it. I’m very well over it, and I’d like it to stop now please.

I’m just tired of the travel. It’s really making me depressed. I miss my fiance and my kids and my bed and my house. I miss my life. I don’t get to live it when I’m on the road, I just live a short version of it. I hate it.

I was formerly one of the strongest road warriors in my company, though, as I alluded to prior. I spent some six months away when I was in a previous relationship. It wasn’t necessarily that I jumped at the opportunity, it wasn’t a choice at the time, but it was very welcome. My ex had a habit of screaming at me when angered. She would scream at me until I eventually validated her feelings, whether they deserved validation or not, which they frequently didn’t. But I would say that I’m done arguing, and the screaming wouldn’t stop. I would try to go to bed, but the screaming wouldn’t stop. I would try to leave, and the screaming would turn into “Why are you abandoning me?” Why the fuck do you think? I’m not going to continue to be screamed at, period. That’s the human thing to do. To leave. A lesser man would throw punches, and they frequently do. I’m not violent, I don’t want to hurt people, I would much rather just leave. No one deserves that shit. Not a single person, man or woman. It’s traumatic. It’ll change how you deal with relationships. It’ll change you deeply, completely. Those changes were for the better, though. I can say that. I will never be beholden to another person in such an incredibly unhealthy way ever again.

I just hope this travel shit is over soon. I’m tired and I want to go home.