Aimless

I feel aimless and wandering. This month marks six years and the longest I’ve been at one company in my entire life. Not so much a brag, but more of a necessary evil for someone bent on ladder-climbing. For a good few years I was really shooting for a goal. It was awesome, and I even wound up succeeding. I met the goal I had set for myself. Really, there were two of them, and I knocked them both out of the park. The first one, I wanted to work at one specific company that made hardware that I loved to tinker with. The second, I wanted the title of “Engineer”. So I hit those both out of the park in one swing, and I work at the company I wanted to work at as an engineer. Awesome stuff. But what do you aspire to once you’ve met a goal like that? Is it defeatist to set another goal? Is it defeatist not to? I really must be the only motherfucker around confounded by success. I really don’t know the answer to that, and I’m honestly really fucked up about it. I feel aimless. I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore. If I just “make up” another goal it’s not going to be meaningful and I might just end up making myself feel bad setting arbitrary goals and not being able to meet them. I’m just left confused, I guess, by the situation and what to do next.

One might say that aspiring to move up in the company I picked would be a good goal, but it really isn’t. I didn’t leave any headroom for something like that in my plans, and the company and profession I picked really don’t have any ladders worth climbing. If I’m going to aspire to something new it’s going to be outside the realm of work, that’s for sure. It’s just getting hard to be excited about goals outside of career goals. Dieting and exercising are always a let down, both in results and effort.

I just need some time off, I think. I need to recharge my brain and stop dwelling on things.