Before I met Amber I never expected to get married again. No joke, I really thought I’d just solo the rest of my life or just at most have a “life partner” that’s close but I’m not legally attached to, because it was a terrifying thought to be legally attached to pretty much anyone.

Then I met Amber, and she’s my life partner. She’s it. She’s my ride or die, and now she’s my wife.

I love you, my wife. More! ❤️

Well, this was unexpected. Seriously. I’ve been married before. I got married for the wrong reasons, largely because I had no idea what I really wanted out of a relationship. In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense. You try things while you’re alive and test them out, see if they’re the right fit for you. I was mostly okay with my ex wife while we were married, but honestly her personality was not at all compatible with mine. We clashed more often than not, and it didn’t take very long before the little trust we had built our relationship on had completely eroded to absolute distrust. The relationship after my ex wife was a nightmarish rebound. My last ex taught me about borderline personality disorder in the way that touching a stovetop teaches you about fire. I immediately did not trust her, but she pretended to be my “best friend”, and the illusion was really thin. I knew she was a predator from the start, so I always kept her at arm’s length. I even proposed to her when I had no intention of ever legally tying myself to her. I wouldn’t have even conceived a child with her had she not lied about being on birth control. Always lying, always decieving, always gaslighting to make herself look innocent instead of evil.

It’s always around this time I’m reminded of my mother’s unceremonious dumping of my status as her child. I’m reminded of her gatekeeping my family because she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable around me at family functions. I’m reminded of all of the things my son will miss because my mother is a petty and hateful person. It’s not the most comfortable time of year for me, but I’m in a far healthier mindset now than I ever have been.

Alright, I need to put my shit list down. These people are fucking killing me.

So here we go.

Gino Palazzolo – This manbaby is an absolute pile of lying garbage. And I’m not even that fond of Jasmine, but holy fuck this guy is a serious pile of shit. Like real low garbage. He agreed to an open marriage. He set the stage for all of the events to go down, he was the master of his own demise, and he’s absolutely gaslighting, lying, and deferring blame. He can’t accept his role in any of the things he caused because it would absolutely break his brain to improve himself and not be a trash ass bald loser. Gino absolutely just wanted an attractive latina for armcandy to distract from the fact that he’s a fucking loser.

Gino Palazzolo is a piece of shit and he deserves to die alone and childless. I really don’t have to be “Team Jasmine” either. I mean, she’s fine, she’s toxic in some ways but holy fuck all of her toxicity is eclipsed by Gino’s bullshit. Gino really is fucked in the head. He absolutely deserves to die alone and childless, and I don’t think I can say it enough times.

I think I need that folding controller for my phone. Carrying a steam deck around isn’t super convenient and it’s a pretty large and clunky device. I also need to figure out something less depressing than “At least I have the weekend”. Every week I just count down from five and some weeks I don’t get that requisite “throwaway” weekend to recharge my batteries and start tilting at life again. I really need a vacation where I’m not beholden to any other person than my wife. I really can’t relax around other people. I’m not built that way, people by and large make my life harder no matter what. A large part of the hardship other people impose on me is the social anxiety. I’m sure my blood pressure spikes around people. I have general anxiety at baseline, but my god do people make it worse. And at the same time, I can’t just become a hermit. What I really need is to figure out balance and also feel contented with it. It would be altogether convenient if, at the very least, people entertained me or otherwise provided some sort of “carrot” to bait me into social situations.

I can’t explain it, but it seems as though our species has an inverse correlation between technological progress and social progress. The more complex we become technologically, the more deranged we are socially. I’d be lying if I laid claim to understanding it. I definitely don’t, and I really can’t begin to pick apart possible causes for the phenomenon. But it’s there, staring me plainly in the face, along with the rest of society. What an odd circumstance.

Sometimes I’ll write something and erase and rewrite it over and over until the words I read back to myself are satisfying enough to discontinue this insane practice. It reminds me of Vonnegut talking about writing, except far more inept and idiotic. I want to get into casual reading again. I used to read a ton when I was younger and had a lot of free time. I haven’t been an avid reader in many years. The fact that I had an “avid reader” phase at all is pretty impressive for a person with untreated ADHD.