Having major depression sucks. I don’t remember how many times I’ve been diagnosed with major depression, but I do know that I’ve been on countless medications with countless horrible side effects and I’ve run the gamut on pills, some that people have never heard of. I’ve gone unmedicated for over two years now. Being unmedicated has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. During peak times, things are amazing. I can more than function, I can succeed and overcome any obstacle. When the lowest points are hit, everything becomes an obstacle. Getting up in the morning is an obstacle. Getting out of bed is an obstacle. I can barely bring myself to keep in touch with people, everything turns into bitterness and hatred. When I’m happy, I’m an asshole because it’s fun. When I’m feeling horrible, I’m an asshole because it’s a self defense mechanism. Yes, I’m admitting to being an asshole, but at least I’m not always wrong when I’m an asshole.
Lately, it seems like I’m getting back to the point of where medication seems imminent. I might have to seek something, anything, in order to maintain any semblance of an ordinary life. I’ve put it off for a long time despite it being a long time coming. I feel as though I’ve pushed through some of the hardest parts of major depression, without medication, like a trooper. But there always comes a point when it becomes too much, and help is absolutely necessary. I’m feeling worn down enough that I think that point has arrived. No amount of self-medicating or self-soothing has seemed to help my situation any.
I’m considering, first, looking into herbal alternatives to prescribed medications. I’ve heard promising things, though the FDA isn’t fond of herbal remedies. I rather enjoy herbal remedies, which aren’t to be confused with homeopathy. Herbal remedies are actually semi-endorsed by the FDA, in the likes of Aspirin and other chemicals which are derived from plants. However, there are so many plant materials that are inexpensive and easy to obtain, which could cure things, that the FDA can’t afford to endorse even a quarter of them. I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll give it a shot for a bit and report back to you.
In any case, I think I’ll cut this blog entry off here. I can’t really think of anything else to write.