Not gonna lie, I’m really tired. The kind of tired you can’t escape with sleep. The sort of tired you feel in your bones. Honestly, there’s a lot to unpack regarding my mother. We apparently have irreconcilable differences. I’ve made attempts to reconcile, but I’ve had zero reciprocation on her end. Point in fact, I could reconcile with her today if I simply apologized and ignored the ways she would hurt my feelings. It weighs heavy on me lately. Extending hope, snuffing it out, reviving it from death, executing it, my life has been a rollercoaster because my father is dead and my mother is a narcissist. What other word is there to apply to someone who cares only about themselves? That is the canonical definition, is it not? Am I wrong for applying it? Am I the narcissist in this? But then, once I ask myself that last question, I remember that I’ve apologized for everything. I apologized to her for not expressing gratitude for the help she extended me during my divorce. Despite the fact that she told me I was no longer welcome in her presence and subsequently supported my ex wife, I did apologize to my mother for not being grateful. It just wears on me. I want to ignore her, but how do I ignore her when she’s essentially the primary caretaker of my niece? It’s hard, it’s garbage, and I am not doing well. I don’t know what to do. The situation really doesn’t have an escape hatch. There really isn’t anything to do. This time around, though, every day is a struggle moreso than in the past. I really don’t know how I struck “new normals” so many times prior. I think the thing that has me really down and out is the possibility that it’s not really over. That some dire event will shove her in my direction once again and I will be newly distressed in unique and creative ways. The only thing I can think to pre-empt this is to explicitly state that in no uncertain terms I will not even attend her funeral when she passes. I can’t really think of anything else that would force her in my direction. I’m just so done.