I know that I’ve been a cause of my relationship with my mom blowing apart, but the real sticking point and reason we’ve never been able to maintain an actual relationship is that everything is one directional with my mom. She accepts no blame, she apparently believes she’s perfect. She has never hurt anyone’s feelings or made any mistakes. People have only ever hurt her feelings and for that they have to pay. She also goes to great lengths to draw others into it. She likes to maintain control on situations. She wants to be the messenger, the middle man, anywhere she can work it out. She wants to be between her subject to control and any/all resources they may have, so that she can withdraw any and all support completely. It’s all control and games with her, and I simply don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m not playing her games and I don’t care about her control, she can control her own chess pieces and leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care anymore, I’ve mentally and emotionally checked out. I’m not interested in reuniting with her or even pretending to continue a sham relationship. I don’t want any of it. I want out completely, and that’s what I fully intend to be; Out completely. And I’m staying out.

But anything involving her causes me anxiety. I’m terrified she’s going to play more games, to pretend to feel guilty and try to put me in whatever weird limbo she wants me in where I’m kind-of-not-really in her life. I dunno. I’m over it. I just need space at this point.