It’s been a minute since I’ve updated. I figured since I have what feels like many hours free to dedicate to whatever the hell I feel like, I might as well update this old damn thing. At this point I’m going to have to keep this fucking thing up forever. I guess that’s not a bad thing, it’s honestly very therapeutic.

I am deathly afraid of being such an awful person that my kids cut me off and never speak to me again when they become adults. I know I could never cut my kids off, and I hope that they feel that they can approach me any time if they want or need to talk to me about something. I know my youngest feels that way because he’ll nag the shit out of me over whatever petty thing his ten year old mind is completely fixated with at the moment. I constantly worry that one day they’ll move out and I’ll never hear from them again. No calls, no texts, just radio silence. I want to know what’s going on in their lives and I love my little people.

My mom is the reason I have this fear. My mom must have narcissistic personality disorder or something. I don’t know what compulsion she suffers from, but I do know that my feelings aren’t important to my mom. I’ve tried multiple times to be a part of my mom’s life, and I’ve just been shunned at every corner. She’ll plan vacations with my ex wife and invite my ex to get-togethers and she’ll make memories with my ex, but my mom couldn’t give a shit less about being even remotely involved in my life. She’s always been this way, and it seems like the only thing I’ve ever done for her is give her a surrogate daughter (that honestly I really didn’t want to be married to).

I’ve tried more than a few times to try and connect with my mother. It never goes anywhere, and most recently when I pointed out that she’ll spend time with my ex but she won’t spend time with me, she wound up changing her phone number. Good job on that one, mother of the year. But, whatever. I’m not still bitter about it, and getting it off my chest always makes me feel a little lighter later on. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, I just understand that it’s a one way street. I don’t understand how it’s a one way street, because I love my kids. But I just have to accept that my mother doesn’t actually love me in return. It’s not complicated, that’s a fucking joke. Anyone who hears me say that my mother doesn’t love me is so quick to say “Oh I’m sure it’s not that, it has to be complicated”. Listen, I get it, you’re confused. I’m confused to, except I accept it for what it is regardless of how off it is.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t have anything to do with her anymore. I can’t even go to her goddamn funeral. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t have any tears to shed for her because I’ve already mourned her loss, so there’s no point in attending a funeral I likely won’t hear about in time anyways. So it is what it is.

And yes, I understand that this is “my perspective” on the tension between my mother and I and I’m sure she has a totally different view. And I’ve heard her totally different view. So when I tell my mom that she refuses to spend time with me, she literally sends me this:

Mama and papaw help me right after divorcing your father. Giving me money for you. And being there to for us.

Okay, AND MY DAD STILL LIVED WITH THEM. THEY CONTINUED TO SUPPORT HIM AS WELL. Jesus fucking Christ, woman, are you serious? You’re seriously evading the problem because you know you’re being an awful bitch and you don’t want to stop being an awful bitch, you feel hurt still and just want to hurt me as much as you can, because you’re an awful parent.

I been to aunt becky’s ex-spouse’s son house to have my vehicles worked on. They are ex spouses. They are called exs for a reason.

So fucking what? Again doesn’t address the fact that you won’t spend time with me.

Aunt Shannon & uncle Jeff went on vacations with my deceased sister’s ex-husband & wife. Because she loves her nieces & nephew so so much.

Again, has nothing to do with me.

Aunt Becky to take of her ex, holly’s hoarding & never worked a day in their marriage father. Taking him to doctors appts

Still has nothing to do with me. I guess my mom is just an idiot.

Aunt chrissy, Justin’s dad, use to work on our vehicles, cheating husband. Because she loves her son. And grandchildrens.

She’s so happy to throw shade about people she knows just to throw anyone under the bus and not take responsibility.

Listen, Tracey. You’re just a shitty mother. That’s all it is. You were never cut out to be a mother and that’s just what I get, a dead dad and an absentee mother. Awesome.

I’m still just so mindblown about all of it. Not that it ended this way, but that her bullshit hasn’t ended yet. She has incredible longevity of being a shitty person. I guess she’s going to die a shitty person. Whatever.

Alright, I feel better getting it off my chest at least. But I’d be lying if I said reading her texts again hadn’t made me feel a certain way. What a fucking cunt. Seriously.