Sometimes I’ll be doing something, usually driving, and I’ll sort of go on auto-pilot. My mind will drift away from a connection to what my body is doing and my body will sort of autonomously manage the slight nuances of the steering wheel and my feet will kind of automatically guide the acceleration of the car in a regular manner. It’s the wildest thing to be driving without even being mentally present. Sometimes someone will fuck up and almost hit me, and I’ll either have to brake or swerve or what have you. It’s the weirdest thing to be snapped back to reality. Sometimes the jerk back into reality can feel weird. It can make me wonder if it really happened. Did I actually die without realizing it? Am I actually still here? There are other times I experience that, too. Hell, sometimes I’ll wake up still kind of high from the night prior and wonder if I’m actually alive or if I died in my sleep. It’s the oddest thing. I mean, I rationally know I am not dead. But without knowing exactly what death is as an experience, how does anyone know they’re alive? You can observe a dead person at a funeral home, but those dead people might not be dead in another universe, right? I don’t know. It’s all just so weird. Every day feels longer than the last and yet somehow they’re slipping by without my even realizing.
It’s just a weird feeling I’ve felt more than once. I would say I’ve felt it more than I should be comfortable with. But I also tend to space out quite a bit. They used to say I was too much of a daydreamer. I would stare out the window at school and be anywhere else.