I haven’t spent much time on this lately. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but truthfully I haven’t had anything to say. I’ve been sort of floating through life. It feels distressing, honestly. I’ve grown accustomed to the emotional purges of unleashing whatever is in my head on this blog. Going extended periods without feeling that sort of “pressure release” can be uncomfortable. Even if I don’t really say anything at all, just throwing something down usually feels at least a little beneficial.
Honestly, I’m just excited for humanity, for once. The LK99 discovery looks incredibly promising, it looks like I get to be alive during a pivotal point in human history, which is incredibly exciting.
It’s a stark contrast to the usual “fear of nuclear annihilation” that we’re served when it comes to the technical prowess of our species.
It’s weird. I feel contentment, and it’s disquieting. I’ve never felt contentment before. My body and my mind reel at the foreign sensation, it’s not familiar at all. But really, that is the reason I haven’t had anything to say. Normally when I have things to say it’s in the capacity of venting, releasing thoughts or ideas that are unpleasant so that I no longer have to carry them around. Instead, there’s just nothing. It’s empty. It’s devoid of content. My head is a space between my ears unoccupied by much, if anything. It’s unsettling that I’ve lived so long and I haven’t had so many parts of my life line up concurrently that I know what contentment feels like, but here we are.
Even now I’m struggling to commit words to anything because I’m locked in a state of confusion. With nothing to expel I’m incapacitated.
I’ve been journaling since I was twelve, and in all those years I’ve never committed words to medium without having some negative emotion driving those words, that upon delivering them I would feel relief.
I guess I’m really just confused. I always look toward this blog as a way to obtain relief. It’s an odd positive association to attempt to invoke when you don’t necessarily need relief. It doesn’t provide that same sensation when approached from an already positive mindset.
Now, that’s not to say I don’t still have problems. Everyone has problems. Problems will always exist, it’s just a part of life, and honestly problems are whatever. They can be solved. It’s the mindset that has always been difficult for me, as I’ve never been the one behind the wheel.
I dunno. I guess I’m really running out of steam.