It seems like I’m back at the travel, yet again. All of next week I’ll be at least a few states over, technically, and it’s not going to be a good time. Sure, I have a lot of distractions I bring with me. I roll out with my Macbook Pro 14" M1 Max, Switch, and Steamdeck. Still, I’d trade all of that crap to be taking my wife, and my kids at least half the time (since they annoy the shit out of me sometimes and still need to see their mothers). I don’t enjoy the travel as much as I used to. For a while at the start it was a novel way to escape a dreadful relationship. But I’ve since grown as a person, healed, I’ve worked on myself and the parts of me that led me to that doomed situation in the first place. Once I was on the path to bettering myself, I discovered that I have a lot to be grateful for at home, and that escapism is no way to cope. Then I met my wife, and I love her so very much. I don’t get sick of her. Of course we get on each other’s nerves and annoy each other and sometimes make each other mad, but it’s never to any point where I want to be somewhere else. I always want to be with her. She’s my love.
Sorry about the title, by the way. Has fuck all to do with anything. I guess I could imbue this post with something to validate the title as being appropriate, but I’ve decided that I won’t just overtly announce it if I do decide to. I want to sneak it in, so you barely notice. Make it difficult to observe the connection, if even at all.
It’s hilarious to me how “offensive” customs or traditions or anything we don’t understand directly, really, can be. People look at Satanism as being a “criminal ethos” before they’ve examined the reality in which they exist. You can’t deny that the Catholic Church has been responsible for the slaughter of millions of people. If you start counting molestation victims that have had no resolution and committed suicide you could even argue or make a case for a billion dead at the hands of Catholicism. So, then, why is Catholicism considered the de-facto authority on virtue and nobility? Why is Satanism vilified in any and all forms it may manifest? Pia Fraus would be the answer we seek. It’s the “Pious Fraud”, the coercion to believe that even the most vile acts committed may be righteously performed by God’s advocates because God cannot be interpreted by mere man. He is an authority vastly above our own, so anything done by him or in his name cannot possibly be ascribed villainous.
Yeah, I’m done with that bullshit. It’s not the truth I seek.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom. It’s not great, it’s never been real great. We don’t have anything in common, we’ve never really kept solidly in touch, and we rarely have conversations. There’s so much complicated history to unpack and just junk that lingers which probably had been icing on a doomed cake from the start. We didn’t have the best of starts when my dad died. I think my mom felt as though she had to play good cop and bad cop in a weird way, but always leaning much harder into “bad cop” than anything else. It gave me really unpleasant issues with letting people into my own little world that I had built for myself, and kept everyone out of. I always felt like my privacy didn’t exist when living in my mom’s house. That feeling of having no privacy can make you an excessively private person, which I think is what I’ve spent most of my life as.
My wife is the first person I’ve felt really comfortable and content with inviting into my private existence, letting into who I am as a person. I love and appreciate having her in that inner sanctum of my heart.
Man, this has been one rant-y type post. I guess I’ll stop now.