Is it easier for me to be dismissive if I never expected this to be my career? I honestly thought I’d be stuck in abject poverty. It started that way, anyways. I guess I should re-frame my question.
Many people, especially fairly neurotypical ones, make a plan for the future and make reasonable attempts at sticking with it. Some people go to law school, others become dental hygienists, and a good number of people go into nursing. It seems like a lot of people know what they’ll be doing for the rest of their lives by their mid twenties. At least the high functioning ones, anyways. You’ll always have the dredges who put their car payment before their rent, but I’m not really talking about them. I’m specifically bringing up the people who have a plan. It seems like they have an idea in their head about how every day of their lives will look and they’re seemingly content to put in the time and effort to get themselves there.
That wasn’t me. I barely graduated. I’m honestly surprised that I did. It’s not because I’m incapable of academic success, it’s because I went my adult life without ADHD treatment, and apparently am pretty cookie-cutter ADHD. I honestly hate it. I hate that grabbing my attention is similar to playing tug-o-war with a rope made of live eels. My memory is the worst. I can see something first hand and make a conscious effort to remember it, and it’ll be gone permanently within a few days. Normally it’s gone in ten minutes, but there’s some shadow of a memory still there usually. Sometimes I can bring it back if it’s still early. Not always, but sometimes.
Having no expectations seems to put me somewhere else in life. Yes, I have it better than I ever expected to have it. Am I content for it? Not really. Not even remotely, honestly. I despise putting in effort and receiving ten percent of my labor in return. That’s an optimistic number, too. It’s not realistic. I hate it, though. If I’m going to spend a third of my existence doing something, can it at least be personally fulfilling as well as profitable? It seems like that’s too much to ask from capitalism. Seriously, the only fulfilling activity in capitalism is being born into wealth. You never have to worry about where your next meal will come from or how you’ll keep a roof over your head, and you can just idly pursue whatever the hell you want in life. It’s really a shitty situation for pretty much everyone.
I don’t know, honestly. I just need a new direction in life and I don’t know how to start it, or if it’s even worth starting. If I put all my effort into making a change in my life and I end up back in this rut again I’ll be devastated, and that’s really the thing keeping me from doing it. I’m probably right. It’s probably not worth doing. But I also readily admit that I’m not entirely certain of that. I just don’t know what to do.