I’ve felt the need to write something, to simply say something, but I’ve written and re-written a few posts already. It seems like I can’t find words that fit what I feel. I guess I really haven’t sat down and unraveled the mystery of exactly what it is that I’m feeling. That might be the reason it feels like everything I’ve sat down to write doesn’t fit what I want to express. I might not really know what I need to express right now.

It feels like I can never do anything right. By the time I’m a third of the way into something I’ve already lost the plot and it’s going south. Every single time. I don’t know what I can do differently that might help me not feel that way any longer. I’m just so frustrated. I can’t connect with or rationalize anything people do these days. Most media is crap, I can’t get into the latest music, and I’m not interested in any of the social media bullshit everyone else is obsessed with. I simply don’t fucking care what people had for lunch, about their kid’s bat mitzvah, about the cruise they went on where their husband caught them fucking a bartender- It’s not interesting to me.

That’s not to say I have no interest in other people. There just aren’t many people the same type of fucked up that I am. Most people are a far different type of fucked up that I simply can’t relate to, nor they to myself. A lot of the “nerds” I know are surface level nerds. They “like” technology in the same way a white girl likes starbucks. It’s a surface level consumerist imperative and not an actual hobby or serious interest. I think I have one person in my life that really challenges me on that sort of stuff, and I’ve known him longer than I’ve known anyone else that I’m not blood related to.

Honestly, I think I have an idea for a project to keep me sane, but I’m also afraid of seriously entertaining it. It’s the sort of project that can suck away your soul if you aren’t careful. I’ve been seeing a ton of awesome cyberdeck builds, though, and I really feel like it might be a worthwhile project for me to put my own spin on. I think the two components that I feel are most important on a good cyberdeck would be the screen and the keyboard. It’s not a good device if you can’t type on it or see what you’re typing. I think the lack of GUI navigation would be best handled with a touch screen. I really believe I could make something really neat, I just need a 3D printer, some time, and a few easy to obtain tools. I think that maybe this sort of project might lend to me some zen feeling of having made something I’m proud of.

I don’t want to just pull designs and CAD files from someone’s completed project. I’d really prefer to just start with the raspberry pi and go from there designing the keyboard and figuring out what hardware I want to include, and using that to guide how the enclosure will be made. I have no experience in designing models or circuit boards, so it’ll be interesting to start here and see where I can take it. Though, again, I really don’t know if I’ll be able to pull myself out of a funk long enough to start such a crazy undertaking. But at the same time it really feels like it would be some “chicken soup for the soul”. I guess if I really begin this thing in earnest, it’ll be dropped here first.