Sometimes it feels like people like me more or prefer my company more when I’m not asserting myself. I don’t know if it’s a me problem or if it’s just how interactions go. I’ve always been a pretty laid back person, and I really still am, but I’m trying to not be avoidant to a toxic level. I don’t really have anything outlined ahead of time to get off my chest, so the best I can do for the moment is some “stream-of-consciousness” style rambling. I’m just working with what I have.

I’ve been off meds for a couple weeks now and it’s starting to wear on me. I feel myself retreating inward, getting quiet, losing the ability to communicate what I’m thinking or feeling because the emotions start outpacing the words available to describe them. Everything is hard when you’re depressed. Getting out of bed is hard. Eating healthy is hard. Taking part in hobbies that I enjoy is hard. Reading is hard. Thinking is hard. I stop caring about the long term implications of my current actions. Everything can wait to be done. Even more than all of those things, being around people becomes taxing. If you’re shutting down, the last thing you want is someone to prompt you to reverse course. It feels bad and creates confusion, and the only thing worse than a depressive state is being confused while in a depressive state.

I’ve so far dodged losing productivity at work, but it’s clinging on by a thread. I can still reasonably accommodate my job, and hopefully I can keep that ball rolling into refilling my meds and getting back on track. Rebuilding the rest is going to be a process, just as it was a process to get there in the first place.

I hate feeling so silenced. I can’t verbalize what I feel aside from writing. It feels like I’m being held prisoner by my emotional state. Even now I have pages more I want to say, but I’m ill-equipped to purge my burden. Feeling silenced causes me to feel an equal part isolated, because I can’t express what I’m going through.

I dunno. It just sucks and I hate it.