I don’t think I’ve ever been so exhausted in my entire life. I’ve worked third shift, I’ve had sprees of all-nighters, I’ve experienced illness that wholly prevents sleep- But of all the things to bring me to my knees, not having either of my sleep aids at the ready eclipses every incidence of insomnia that I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve self-medicated for insomnia many years now. Upon discovering that prolonged melatonin use can cause vivid nightmares, I had sought the assistance of a doctor to get a normal night’s sleep. It worked alright for a short while, but eventually I found a number of weaknesses in relying on Ambien and Lunesta. Namely, they only half work after a period of time. There would be partially prepared, partially eaten meals found randomly in the morning. At least on one occasion I drove myself to a corner liquor store in the middle of the night.

Eventually I had settled on using old-fashioned THC to put myself down. It has worked for many years now. My tolerance scales up and down based on usage, but I can always find dosing that does the trick no matter where I’m at tolerance-wise. When combined with Trazodone, it’s a one-two punch that knocks me out and keeps me down. Unfortunately with selling the house and having to keep things awkwardly out of sight, my last bag of edibles melted together completely and I’ve run out of Trazodone due to switching doctors. Hopefully I’ll be able to remedy both situations long term, but in the interim I’m not doing the best.

I feel physically ill, and I’m having a hard time discerning whether this ambient ill feeling is strictly associated with sleep deprivation or if I’m actually sick. I feel like I just want to sleep. I want to curl up on the couch and die. I’ve been told that anger and sadness are closely related, and sometimes fuel each other. The Trazodone withdrawal isn’t yet driving me to feeling horribly depressed, but I do feel a significant spike in anger. Situations I can usually distance myself from feel altogether too close for comfort and trigger me. I feel as though I’m not that smart of a person but I would at least make a decent bar by which to define the word “average”, and this warped perspective distorts my view of the entire population to the level of dumb beasts. I realize it’s excessive and brutal, but I also have a hard time beating it back when I’m in this frame of mind.

In any case, I guess I had best get back to doing what I do. There aren’t enough hours in a day to write out everything I carry around in my head- Not that it’s all worth something, there’s just a lot of junk in there.