I have two problems. I have a religious person trying to tell me that I don’t live by a book I don’t care about. I have a non-religious person trying to criticize me for living by a book they don’t live by. I also have a serious anger problem that I likely learned from the non-religious person. Whenever I’m hurt by people I become completely unhinged. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. I never get physical. I just say so many hurtful, regrettable things. I know my mother regrets things she says because I regret things I say. I’m always sorry for what I say. Always. I know my mother feels bad.
But I can’t have any kind of relationship with her. It always degrades into hurtful, hateful words on both sides. We do it to each other, and she needs to stay far away from my life. She needs to not care, to not worry, to not think about what I’m doing with my life. It hurts both of us.
I can’t be criticized for things I don’t believe in or controlled by views I don’t hold. I don’t care about living biblically. I care about living as a good person by what I understand is good. I don’t steal. I don’t drink all the time. I don’t do drugs. I work hard and make the most of the time I get with my family. Asking any differently of me is asking too much.
Of course I feel terrible for things I write or say with much venom. But I won’t erase them. I don’t try to pretend like they were never said. They were said and the reason doesn’t matter. All we can do is move forward however we need to move forward.
2014-03-14 10:50 AM