ESL for the Internet Elite

The first issue I think that ought to be tackled would be confusing simple words with one another. I don’t understand it, but people seem to have completely lost the ability to discern “you’re” from “your” and “its” from “it’s”. “Their”, “there”, and “they’re” are also commonly abused. I’ll break it down for you.

##It’s and Its##


Conjunction. “It is”.
Use: “It’s cold out.” Or “It’s stupid of you to fuck this sentence up.”
Adjective. Belonging to or associated with a thing previously mentioned.
“A faggot in its natural state will ignore this blog entry.”

Alright. We good with these two? You kids understand these two yet? Yeah, we’ll see how much your tweets are impacted. I’m beginning to think I should just drink before reading your tweets. Just saying.

##Your and You’re##


Conjunction. “You are”.
Use: “You’re a fucking retard if you wanted to put ‘your’ at the beginning of this sentence.”
Adjective. Belonging to or associated with the person the speaker is speaking to.
Use: “Your mom is a fat whore.”

This one really should never happen. The only thing you need to do is think about what you’re saying. For instance, if you’re a retard who constantly mixes these two up- DROP YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR VOCABULARY ENTIRELY. Instead, always say “you are”. Once you’re comfortable with that, you can start substituting “you are” for “you’re”. Congratulations, you’re less of a retard now. Simple tool for a simple mind.

##They’re, their, and there##


Adverb. In, at, or to that place or position.
Pronoun. Used as a function word to introduce a sentence or clause.
Use: “There is no reason you should be fucking up your native language this bad.”
Conjunction. “They are”.
Use: “They are going to ridicule your dumb ass relentlessly, as well they should.”
Adjective. Belonging to or associated with the thing previously mentioned.
Use: “English is a language of the people. It’s theirs to take. So take it, fucktard, or quit speaking.”

Do we have these three? I’m sorry, I don’t have any neat little tricks to help you remember these three, I kind of thought they were rather self explanatory.


There really are no good reasons to write English badly. There are no excuses, even being born oxygen-deprived is an inadequate excuse. If you do these things, you really have no business shitting words into the ether, and should an hero promptly. So take this blog entry to heart, and practice writing, so that people can actually take you seriously and enjoy speaking with you. I guarantee that if you’re constantly fucking these word conventions up, people cringe every time you tweet.

Addendum: I can see the backlash already. No, people… I’m not claiming to be the end-all be-all English teacher. I just have at least a fifth grade understanding of our native language- something so many people seem to be lacking. That’s all this blog post is hoping to do; bring you luddites up to speed. Kthxbai.

16 Apr 2012 12:58 | retards, esl, engrish, kindergarten
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